So here I am again at 2 in the morning because I cannot sleep. I honestly haven't really tried to sleep yet, though, because my mind has been racing, and my heart seems heavy. Or maybe my heart seems light, because I feel a little bit empty. It didn't take me long to figure out why I am feeling so empty. It's because lately I haven't fully experienced the presence of God. I realize that I have been failing my God, and its such a crappy realization. I can't think of anything worse than the feeling of letting down the Almighty, my creator, the one who loves me no matter what I do...
So as I was coming to this realization, all I wanted was some sort of assurance that I could be forgiven, that I hadn't failed God one too many times. I thought of David's prayer of repentance for his sequence of sins, in Psalms. Psalm 51 is such a humbling prayer to pray when you come to that realization that you ultimately screwed up.
As I was reading and praying that prayer, verses 10-12 really hit me. They say, "Create in me a pure heart, oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence, or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." It's funny, because as I read the part about not casting me from God's presence, I almost felt as though I had already been cast from his presence. Then I hit me that I was blaming the feeling of being distant from God that I have had on God. How crazy is that? I don't think that's very accurate. From what I have studied in scripture, God is unchanging, he is the constant in our relationship. He isn't going anywhere. I am the one who changes. I am the one who walks away from God. Thank God that when I did finally realize this, God was still there, waiting to pick me back up where we left off.
Then I read the part that says, "Restore to me the JOY of your salvation..." Wow, I think I can say that it really has been a while since I have been joyful about my salvation. I mean, I am generally a happy guy. I thoroughly enjoy life. But to actually reflect on, and have joy because I am saved... I haven't done that in a while.
When I think about it though, there really is so much to be joyful about. I serve a God that is alive. Even when I screw up I can count on him to still be there waiting for me. God doesn't need me, but he has allowed me to be a part of his Kingdom work (something that brings me a little more joy than everything else.) I mean seriously, it is not really that hard to be joyful about salvation, I guess I have just been overlooking them.
So I will reach out and take the hand of the never-changing, never-leaving God and he will pull back to his side and I will keep on keepin' on. And I will pray that God will continually show me all that there is to be joyful about.
I get knocked down, but I get up again.
Your never gonna keep me down!
(Perhaps not as insightful as past posts, but its my blog, I do what I want, now get outta here and enJOY the JOY that is Christ!)
Dude, I have been feeling the same way and it is a crappy feeling! I also think back to the prodigal son when the son was returning home, the father was waiting for him at the fence. He wasn't inside just hoping he would come home. He was waiting for him at the fence ready for his son to return home. He accepted him with open arms and just loved on him. I feel like I fail God a lot and I feel like I can't be forgiven, but I read this passage and realize that when I fall, God is right there with open arms welcoming me back to Him! What an awesome God we serve!!
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